Quick story…

Every Sunday my family and I attend our church.  After this past sacrament meeting, my husband headed to the nursery with my oldest son to drop him off for the rest of the time.  And I headed with my other little boy to the adult Sunday school class.

My little boy isn’t old enough to attend nursery with his brother yet, so he gets to endure the remainder of the church services with my husband and me.  He’s almost able to walk, but isn’t quite there-we still have to hold his hand so he doesn’t fall over.

But I was eager to get our regular seats in the back corner of the Sunday school room because it gives us extra space for our boy to do his toddler thing, whilst keeping us out of the attention of the entire class.  So I was hurrying a little and picked him up instead of slowly walking him all the way to the other end of the church.  I was a bit tired and not excited about having to carry him and the bulky church bag we have to bring with us, containing everything to keep our little ones (and mamma) happy during the three hour block.  (It’s like my purse and diaper bag combined, along with too many coloring books and cheerios.)  Remember, I’m six months pregnant at the moment.

As we rounded a corner near an exit door, there was a couple about 10 years older than me walking the same direction and about to exit the building.  We just politely smiled at each other; we didn’t know each other.

But then the husband spoke up.  “Oh, don’t look so tired.”  Then he pointed to his wife (I presume) and continued, “She’s had five.”

Before thinking anything, I said, “But has she had them all 18 months apart?”  Then they lightly laughed and conceded that that wasn’t their case, and I turned into the room I’d been heading for.

After sitting my son and things down, I suddenly realized how impolite and even rude that was.  It was no different than if I had said to a new mother exhausted from a newborn baby, something like, “Oh just wait until they’re toddlers.  I have two.”

It’s the same impression as giving someone the snub in the face and finding pride in the fact that perhaps you have it harder than that individual, so they should buck up and quit being selfish.  It’s terrible really!  And we do it ALL the time to each other.

So the natural reaction to that realization was that I sat there and thought, I should have said, “But has she had them all 18 months apart, naturally, being the breadwinner too?”  That would have put him in his place.  But of course I immediately rebuked myself for the thought and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now, I truly don’t believe that this man was trying to be rude to me.  I honestly think that he was trying to reassure me that there are others who have it harder, but that they’ve gotten through tough times too-and that I was going to get through this moment of my life just fine.

Sure, he went about it the wrong way.  I hold no malice towards this man and even laughed off the interaction later.  But it got me thinking about the things that we just naturally say to each other without meaning to demean or hurt, but in all truthfulness CAN hurt someone else, even deep down.

What NOT To Say To A Pregnant Woman

I think we as human beings are just nosy without being aware of it.  Then when we try to genuinely show a little care, it comes off differently and we don’t know the repercussions of our statement.

So here’s a complete list of what I think are many of the things what not to say to a pregnant woman.

• Was it planned?  Because I’m REALLY going to explain our baby making plans to you.  Or no, maybe it wasn’t planned and it’s been really trying.  So I don’t care to explain our difficulties to you. 
• You sure you’re not having twins?   I got this one from a coworker because of how much I bloat in the beginning.  You know, I’m not sure the ultrasound tech did a double check when they scanned me for an hour.  But thanks for reminding me about my size.
• Are you gaining enough weight?  I admit, I asked a mother of someone about her weight once with her first pregnancy.  It WAS due to concern because we all knew that she had been anorexic for a while and wanted the best for her baby.  No I’m just puking it back up every day.
• I think you’re having a…..  I knew a few mothers who insisted that their gender prediction skills were guaranteed with my first baby.  Turns out they weren’t as great at it as they thought.  I don’t really care what you think I’m having.
• Can I touch your belly?  No.  I said no!  I only had one person do this to me and it felt like I was obligated to let her do so.  After that, never again!  Your husband is the only one worthy of the belly caress.  Unless you have little ones that are excited for the baby too.  My boys like to rub it on occasion and it’s SO sweet.
• Are you going to breastfeed?  This is like asking a mother if she’s going to use diapers.
• Are you going back to work?  This one is a VERY judgmental statement.  I get it ALL the time.  And I get to explain that I’m the breadwinner and my dear husband stays home with our boys-because it works best for us.  We’ll provide for our family the best way we know how.
• Did you want another boy/girl?  Sure, I sent my order up to heaven and that’s what God bestowed.  We want healthy and happy children.  We don’t want to hear from others the implication that something is wrong if we have too many of the same gender (like me).
• It’s about time!  This one can be a VERY sensitive topic to others.  You NEVER know how long someone has been trying to have children.  Couples may face fertility issues for longer amounts of time than we give them attention for.  It’s not as easy for some as it is for others.  It implies that something is wrong with that couple because it wasn’t what others thought it was right.  I don’t choose God’s timing.
• You shouldn’t eat that.  You shouldn’t be judging me on my actions.  It IS okay to suggest the idea that cooking your meat/eggs fully would be best (learn why here).  But blatantly telling someone what they should or should not do is just rude.

I was at a ladies dinner one night and my friend was in her third trimester.  It was a struggle for her because she was going to be giving this baby up for adoption.  An older mother at the same table with us commented that my friend shouldn’t be putting salt on her food because it would make her swell up.  

 

The conversation changed and my friend looked at me for reassurance (I was also pregnant with my second boy at this time).  I just slightly shook my head like there wasn’t anything to worry about.  It was winter time and she didn’t have a problem with swelling.  A little salt for increased blood flow was actually good for her.  

• Is this your last one?  No, I’m going to have babies until my uterus gives out.  It’s no one’s business.
• Do you know who the father is?  I truly don’t know how I would respond to this.  Someone could have been raped or victim of something that is COMPLETELY none of our business.  It implies that the mother is a flake and ignorantly stupid of her actions.
• Aren’t you too old/young to have a baby?  Apparently not.  It goes back again to the fact of us judging someone else’s family planning.
• Are you sure this is what you want?  Obviously it’s not what you want.  It’s so annoying when others think that they know what’s best for us.
• You should have a c-section.  Oh, yes, absolutely, because you know what’s best for me.  This suggests to the mother that they’re not strong enough to be a mother or go through childbirth.
• You should go natural.  Oh, yes, absolutely, because you know what’s best for me.  Another variation of the last statement, only in this case, it’s assuming that the mother is going to assuredly harm their child by doing anything else.

  Who says you can’t do yard work when you’re pregnant?

• Shouldn’t you be resting?  No, I want to drain myself completely so that I literally can’t move when the baby arrives.  Sure, we have that natural tiredness that sticks with us forever during pregnancy, especially in the first trimester.  But when you exercise and build yourself into a stronger body for your baby, your birth will go much smoother.  A lot of people are ignorant about that fact of what things a pregnant mother can and cannot do.  Sure there are a few things you should avoid.  But it doesn’t mean you can’t do some yard work or fix a part on your car (like I did).  Here’s where I say:  PROVE THEM WRONG.

  Who says you can’t fix your car when you’re pregnant?

• You know ____ is bad for the baby.  Really?  Do you think I’ll birth a little alien because I’ve had this potato chip?  It seems that everyone has an opinion on what’s bad for you and your baby or not.  Many times it’s out of love and concern, so take it with a grain of salt.
• Have you picked out a name?  This one isn’t so bad.  But some of you may like to keep the name of your baby a secret and surprise the grandparents when they first visit.  But the pressure to reveal what you’re thinking for your child isn’t that great.
• When I was pregnant…..  You thought you were the center of the universe like now?  It’s okay to share pregnancy experiences with new moms when they ask for it.  I never try to push an experience or opinion on what’s best during pregnancy unless someone asks me.  (Read this post about how active women are often criticized for taking care of their bodies.)
• My labor and delivery was terrible.  Oh yes, tell me more so that I can be even more frightened about what’s coming.  This is just like the previous.  Don’t share unless you’re asked, but put it gently if it wasn’t so great.  Focus on the positives because there are always more when you look for them.
• They’re easier when they’re inside.  Because you know exactly how I’m feeling, because you’ve been pregnant the exact same way.  Every pregnancy is different and every mother experiences them differently.  And the current state of being you’re in is usually the hardest you’ve ever been in.  It doesn’t matter if you’re pregnant with your first one, you’ve already got twins, or five children in tow-you are at the hardest part of your motherhood RIGHT NOW.  And no one other’s situation matters in comparison to yours.  I agree that things can be easier, but things can also be harder.

I was hiking with my big belly one time and I saw this younger mother coming down the same trail towards me.  She had one child on her back, and two others walking with her.  When we crossed paths she looked at my belly and said, gesturing to her rambunctious children, “They’re much easier when they’re still in there.”

 

I laughed and said that I already had two.  So she gave an embarrassed smiled, and continued on.  Maybe she thought it would have been better to not assume.  

• Enjoy your sleep now because it only gets worse.  There’s no real good comeback to this.  Sleep isn’t great in any case.  If you’re pregnant, you’re uncomfortable and up every two hours to pee.  If you’re nursing, it’s the same every two hours to breastfeed and change diapers.  If you’ve got toddlers, it’s a few times a night depending when the little ones just can’t sleep or get scared.  If you have older children, it’s the anxiety or worry about anything going on in your lives.  With the teenagers, it’s waiting for them to get home at all hours of the night.  When we’re old, it’s just because we’re old.  There’s ALWAYS a reason at any one time that we won’t be able to sleep well.  It’s combating the things that prevent us from being able to do so as best we can so that what little sleep we do get is best.

Best Your Sleep With A Maternity Pillow

What TO Say To A Pregnant Woman

It’s much easier to show love and enjoying their presence with a few simple phrases that will make their day:

1. Would you like something to eat?  Of course, thank you for asking. 
2. How are you feeling?  Fine thanks, just tired.
3. You look wonderful!  Thanks, guess I have that glow. 🙂

Now that’s MUCH easier isn’t it?  You’re showing love and concern while making the mother feel as best they can at such a trying time.  May we ALL do better at keeping our comments at their best.

Have any of you experienced any ridiculous moments where you just wanted to backlash someone for commenting on your pregnancy?

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