How To Validate Feelings In Your Life

Have you ever been trying to explain something to a loved one or friend and they keep interrupting you? Or they keep trying to offer solutions to your problem when you never asked?  You’ve had an experience or are going through a difficulty and you’re trying to explain how you feel about it, and the person you’re talking with just keeps on providing what they think is the correct interpretation.

Isn’t it frustrating?  We’ve all experienced that.

They’ll often start their sentences with:

• “Well, it’s really this way…”
• “You need to do this…”
• “Don’t feel like that…”
• “That’s not what you want…”

The hard part is that they’re often trying to help. They love you and probably feel that in order to properly help the situation, they have to provide their feedback and perception immediately. And you may nod along, agreeing, maybe. But deep down you’re wishing that they would just listen.

Why People Don’t Know How To Validate

One problem we have in this world is that people don’t know how to validate each other’s feelings. We project what we perceive about certain situations and feel it’s the only proper thing to do. When people come to you and just start talking, often they’re looking for validation about their experience, about how they feel.  They’ll ask the questions they want answered at the end of their discussion.

But when your feelings aren’t validated in a similar situation, you start to shrug them off, thinking “They’re probably right. I should feel differently.” Or it can turn worse and more negative. You start to bury your feelings and inner stress and turmoil can ensue.

My husband and I have been married for ten years and only until recently did we learn that we weren’t truly listening and validating each other all this time.  And it’s a struggle. We often find ourselves immediately reacting as we naturally would. I often start sentences with “Well, that’s just this way….” etc. And my husband will often have to restrain himself from giving his own opinion too when I’m relaying something.

Because of this, I’ve added books like Validation Addiction: Please Make Me Feel Worthy to my wish list.  I want to be better at this.  I hope you do too.

Related:  What I Learned At The Best Of All Christian Women Conferences

Are You Validating Others?

Next time you’re having a conversation with your spouse, a loved one, or a friend, notice how you react to the conversation.

1. Are you thinking about what you’re gong to say while they’re talking?
2. Are you telling them how they should be feeling?
3. Are you starting sentences with “Well…”?
4. Are you expressing what you think when they haven’t asked?

Validation is a skill that everyone needs to learn.  When you validate another person, or they validate you, your relationship and communication skills are much stronger.

What Does It Mean To Validate Someone?

℘  It’s allowing them to express how they feel and accepting that—being okay with what they’ve shared without relaying anything.

℘  It’s supporting them in their current state and building them up.

℘  It’s giving positive feedback in a manner that they feel better after leaving you.

℘  It’s helping them understand that what and how they feel is good, right, acceptable, and the truth.  It builds trust and respect and love for each other.

Without it, discontentment, irritation, and feelings of “they don’t understand me” can fester.

I certainly hope that your spouse validates you in your feelings and decisions and that you in turn try to do so for him too.  But everyone needs a little work in this.  We’re raised with the habits and communication styles of our parents and we project the same onto our relationships without even thinking about it.  If you need to work on this in your life, you’re not alone!  So do I!

It can take a lot of mental effort and concentration when you start to realize how you’re communicating.  Then you’ll find yourself automatically reverting to your natural ways once you have the intelligence to recognize it.  To break those thought patterns that are deeply ingrained, it will take effort, time, and practice.  But you can do it.  I’m going to do it with you.

So What Steps To You Need To Take?

First, decide to observe and notice how you communicate with your spouse.  This will happen in most conversations with anyone in your life.  But it will be most significant and with your most intimate relationship.  The next time your husband expresses his feelings about anything, anything at all, consciously reflect on how you respond.

• Are you showing respect toward his feelings and supporting him in them?
• Or did you try to solve the problem or express how you see it the situation?
• How did he react to the interaction?

Second, let’s assume that you didn’t validate him in the situation.  Now that you’ve observed your natural tendencies, what can you do to change that?

• Could you work on listening more?
• Do you need to practice saying things like “So you feel this way?” or “That’s gotta be tough for you.”

Depending on the situation and what the issue is will determine what sort of respond you would give, of course.

Last, write down what you’re going to work on in your communication to better your validation.  It could be:

• listening more
• accepting his feelings
• not trying to offer a solution unless asked
• asking more clarifying questions so that you better understand
• agree with how he feels
• asking how you can help in the situation

Put this little plan somewhere that you can see it every day.  You may want to tape it on your mirror, keep a note in your journal, on your desktop or phone, as a sticky note on your fridge.  Put it where it makes sense to you and you know you’ll see it daily.

Results Come With Time

After a little while, you’ll start noticing that you’ve become much better at listening than jumping the gun in your conversations.  It will take time and you’re going to make mistakes, especially when it’s a more serious or intense conversation.  That’s okay!  I catch myself falling into old habits a lot.  But don’t beat yourself up about it.

This sort of change is complex and is breaking down thought patterns that were imprinted on your psyche a long time ago.  That can take awhile.  But it can be done.  Have faith you’ll accomplish a lot.

“I wasn’t truly comfortable with myself until I was about 30. I spent so much time and energy wondering if I wasn’t worthy, and trying to find people to validate me, instead of validating myself.”  - Tori Spelling

The best part is that your spouse will start to notice.  However subtle it can be, his feelings of acceptance from you, love and appreciation, will grow.  He, in turn, will start reflecting the same positive feedback and communication that you do.  It’s a win-win situation like Stephen Covey talks about in The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Marriage.  The key is that if you want him to validate you, you must first do it for him.  Like the golden rule, positive karma, whatever you want to call it.

That’s why, when you’re getting ready for your birth, I really like the Birth Relaxation Kit; because it has learning and support for your husband to feel validated about his role in your labor and delivery too.  Husbands often feel so left out and need much-needed support too.

>>Check Out The Birth Relaxation Kit <<

So what did you learn about yourself today?  Did you think back on a recent conversation and realize if there was any validation in there or not?  Let me know and I’ll keep you updated too.  Cheers!

Favorites In This Post:

In case you missed a few of the books that I recommend, here they are again.

• The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Marriage, I couldn’t put this one down because of all the things I realized I can do better for my husband
• Validation Addiction: Please Make Me Feel Worthy, because I think we all are wanted to feel validated whether we know it or not