I was recently watching a conference with my family and I heard a great speaker share something vital.
He said, “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”
“The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” — Russell M. Nelson
Isn’t it true?
Determining Your Focus
What we literally choose to
- think about,
- actions to take,
- goals to set, and
- things to say,
will determine our state of mind.
I’ve been reading this awesome book by Tony Robbins lately called Unlimited Power. I’m a bit of a self-help junkie.
But I’ve been reading in there, this idea he discusses of changing your state in order to change how to feel and what you do. And it all starts with the awareness of how we focus our lives.
Related: Putting First Things First As A Mother With This Simple Chart
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you focus on the actions of others?
- Or you reflect on the actions you take?
- Are you concerned about what your spouse and family are constantly doing?
- Or do you take priority in your own goals?
- Do you dwell on the negative things that happen around you?
- Or do you choose to change your circumstances in order to become more positive?
My Personal Example
I’ve been under the gun at work lately because we have this major, MAJOR project happening with my team. I have these big analyses to do with enormous data sets. Then I turn the results over to a coworker for her to continue working on.
It’s been a bit tense between us because she’d been asking me for something the past few weeks that I hadn’t been able to deliver. Because of many circumstances out of my control, I wasn’t able to get it to her when she wanted it.
I felt like she was very frustrated with me. I felt like she was judging me as incompetent.
Then once I did get it to her, she wasn’t even able to work on it because she had other priorities going on.
So all of this tension between us was in vain and produced no positive result.
I was thinking about this in the shower today because it was just EATING at me. I was annoyed and frustrated and feeling like pointing the finger and blaming everything else for this situation.
But then I chose to
- step back,
- become aware of how I was feeling,
- and decided to let this go as much as possible.
I had done my job. No, I’m not perfect. I cannot change her reactions and actions toward me. I can only decide on what I will do.
So I decided to change my state, as Tony Robbins taught, and I went to the gym to burn it out of me. And for the rest of the day I continually focused on choosing to deal with ONLY the things that I can control.
I certainly felt better.
Related: How To Validate Feelings In Your Life
What To Do
You can apply this to any aspect of your life that you are dealing with. If anything isn’t bringing you joy as it should,
- change your circumstances,
- change your state,
- change your focus,
and you will most likely change your life.
Make this a part of your life and you’ll find a lot of energy regained because you’re not wasting it on things that suck away your joy.
>> Add This Healthy Habit To Your New Morning Routine <<
What is something that you need to STOP focusing on because it’s not bringing you joy? How are you going to change your focus?
It is amazing how powerful the mind is in forming our existence. If we are angry or sad it reflects in every other aspect of our lives, even to the point where our kids notice the things we say and repeat them even if they don’t know what it means. I am curious how you applied this to your birth or if you have plans to integrate it into the next one?
Oh Lauren, it has a HUGE effect on our kids when we’re pregnant too! When I was 7 months pregnant with my second little boy, my mother-in-law passed away suddenly in a tragic accident that my husband witnessed. And we were stressed more than ever before in our lives. In fact, I had Braxton Hicks contractions back to back constantly for a few days!
Anyway, as my second boy started to grow, we could really see how my emotional stress while I was pregnant had a big effect on his mental development. We’re still working to keep him joyful and have great brain balance while he’s little so it has positive effects on his life, for ALL our boys for that matter.
So YES! I always try to implement plans for taking care of myself and supporting my emotional health at all times, especially when pregnant because of the effect it has on everyone around us. Thanks, Lauren!
Thank you so much for the book recommendation — I have requested it from my local library. Funny, I was just talking about Tony Robbins recently with some girlfriends; I watched the movie “I am Not your Guru” which I found immensely fascinating on quite a few levels. Would really like to read some of his work now.
Also, I have been in these kinds of work situations before and it’s so frustrating! Especially when you feel useless and angry and hopeless. In the end, it does require a shift in perspective and I’m glad that you were able to step back and reevaluate it for what it was–not everyone is able to do that but it has the power to change everything!
Hope you are enjoying your weekend!
Hi Charlotte! I watched “I Am Not Your Guru” a few weeks ago and it was SO interesting, wasn’t it? I’m sure you’ll find tons of value in Tony’s books. I sure have. 🙂 Have a great day!
I listen to Joel Osteen to help remind me to keep perspective. I love the way he reminds me with a smile and word to get focused on the things that matter, not my feelings at the moment. Life is about attitude not feelings…which are so fickle. We choose our attitudes so let’s choose good ones!
I’ve never heard it put that way before, “Life is about attitude not feelings.” I like that! I guess the hard part is when we let our feelings control our attitudes. There’s so much mental strength we have to acquire sometimes, but it becomes easier the more we do it. Thanks, Enid!
I really loved this, it is so true that everything is affected by how you view the world and your circumstances.
La Belle Sirene
True indeed. Thanks Courtney!
Very actionable and insightful, Sarah. One of my favourite quotes is by author, Anais Nin. She wrote, “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” Our experiences completely color the lens through which we see and respond to life. I think having that awareness can help us to pause and challenge ourselves to look at things in a new way.
I read recently, an analogy that discussed reality essentially being what a video camera would take in. We then add our story to it and then experience emotions based on that story (and then more emotions about those emotions, and so on….). If we can pause, but space between stimulus and response and consider the difference between the objective vs subjective, we can use this as a tool to gain clarity.
I like your example with your co-worker as it’s very relatable. Do you think changing your state / lens was enough, or would there be value in communicating the deadline and so forth with your colleague?
Great reminders and insight – love your blog.
Hi Mike, I think we could definitely communicate better. But changing my state helped me immensely. What you said sounds a like like Dr. Covey’s teachings on shifting our paradigms. He’s another of my favorites too. 🙂
Love it! That quote is perfect and you explain it beautifully!
Thanks Sabrina!
Very insightful! I also tend to get hung up on other people’s perceived frustrations with me, but I’m (very very slowly) learning how to just let it go and move on if there isn’t anything more I can do to resolve the situation. Just takes time and practice.
Hi Kaley. It’s one of my struggling weaknesses too, letting things go. I think it’s a self-esteem problem for me and I’m starting to work on that A LOT. Thanks for your comment!
A great article, thank you for sharing all this great information. A lot people lost their joy cause of to much frustration. This is a great niche . Keep up your good work very nice!
Sophie64
Thanks Sophie! Joy to you and yours.
Thanks for such a great reminder! Gotta focus on what we have control over and let the rest go…otherwise we stress and worry about TONS of things that we can do nothing about.
Absolutely, Rachel. Sometimes it takes me forever to just git down to the nitty gritty of WHY I’m holding onto things in the first place.
Hellow Sarah, that was a powerful phrase that is very true about our lives and joy. One can still feel miserable even if the circumstance in his life is good. That is largely so because of what the person has chosen to think about, actions to take, goals to set and things to say. If someone does not have control over all these the person is bound to be living a life without meaning which will result in a lack of joy even though the person is fortunate in life.
I love this and it is so powerful that it can change a life.
Thank you very much, Sarah, and keep doing what you do because you are touching people’s lives positively.
You’re such a dear to say that, Nnamdi. I like how you said that: “One can still feel miserable even if the circumstance in his life is good.” Don’t we see this all the time, everywhere? People truly need to shift their focuses on the real things that bring them joy, such as family, instead of all the material things that truly do not.
I LOVE THIS! I sure could have used this post on Wednesday. One thing that I need to stop focusing on is a hurt from a family member. For months I allowed it to consume and steal my joy. I finally had to seek counseling and that helped a lot. But there are some days that I still find myself focusing on it.
Hi Valerie. I think, just because we’re human, we still find ourselves grasping at straws of the past, even when we’ve ‘gotten over them’ or ‘let go.’ I have an experience in my past that resurfaces quite often and I worry about it sometimes, even though I took the necessary steps to deal with it in a positive way.
I’m glad that you were able to get help with your situation. It’s COMPLETELY wonderful to do so and doesn’t reflect badly on anyone, no matter what the circumstances are, to get professional assistance with things. I sometimes wonder if I should do the same. Have a great weekend, Valerie.